I will begin writing about some of the rudest minds you can possibly imagine, namely my friends and relatives. Not my side of the family I hasten to add, and I do realise many of you are hard to match in this field.
I hope that that opening statement will grab your attention, but to digress, those who think they know me, may think my behaviour might be a little strange lately.
I have decided to flout, no, break the law. Yes, break the law and as I am flouting and breaking things I may as well flout convention too.
Yesterday, admittedly, with some trepidation I drove my car from our Russell property into the village without my seat belt on. And I did the trip both ways. Without travel insurance.
No stopping me now, I turned around - no, spun my wheels - and did it again. Same trip, and, wait for it - this time broke the speed limit, drove at fifty-two-k's, no seat belt, no travel insurance. By now on a high - well about as high as one can get driving to the shops in Russell, adrenaline flowing, flouting away, went to both Four Squares and bought, I know you won't believe this, two bags of highly coloured, sugar loaded, fat saturated, carbohydrate filled lollies. With extra sodium. And I asked for free plastic bags please. Plastic bags and sugar! And I ate the lollies and survived.
It must be difficult for grocery shops. Responsible and concerned Supermarkets spend a lot of time and money advertising things Nutritionists and the Health Industry tell us we shouldn't eat because if we do we will die. But the Health department inspectors also say the stuff we mustn't eat must be wrapped in stuff that keeps it fresh for us to eat or it will make us ill before we die. That is what we would if we didn't eat it.
I'm going to continue with this living dangerously, living on the edge. Taking a chance? Casting the odd clout before May is out. Being in the company of cigarette smokers, (gives ex-addicts like me the chance of a quick inhale without the expense and oh! the danger, the thrill) one could almost believe one is enjoying ones self. Want to join in? Try a doughnut with synthetic cream in the middle - ride a pushbike without a crash helmet.
Anyway back to bouncing back and dirty minds. Several years ago I purchased a Toshiba laptop computer. I purchased a Toshiba because everyone I knew at the time who knew about computers said buy a Toshiba. Unfortunately as I soon found out, Toshiba computers come from the same junk pile of useless Briggs and Stratton powered motor mowers and breaking down Cobra weed-eaters, the thing broke down. But unfortunately not before I had opened an email account and all in the spirit of family and communications and keeping in touch and Christmas and Birthdays and all that, I innocently sent everyone I knew our brand new email address.
Little did I know. Slowly at first. Tentatively, the first jokes began to arrive. 'Have you heard the one about?' 'This ones a Screamer'! 'You'll love this!' and on came a deluge of jokes about 'Old People' Old people who wear Macs and nothing underneath and flash other old people, old people who are skinny and scrawny and leer a lot and live in rest homes and are smelly and can't get some things up and other things down, why are they sending these jokes to me? I am not one of them, 'Stop it!' I said, 'No more'! still they came 'This is great - there was this old man and this blonde...' Shut up, shut up. Streams more came, batches arrived. Bundles and bundles of bilge.
It got worse. Body painting became the in thing. No parts sacrosanct (must say some of it very inventive - Castro's beard featured quite a lot as did Elephants trunks) couldn't stop it, pleaded to no avail, realised everyone but me enjoyed being in the loop in the swim, swimming in the swamp. 'Don't be a wimp' they said 'just the same as seaside postcards in England, bit of fun'. I couldn't get out of it without being more offensive than I thought they were being, then something good happened. The Toshiba crashed. Good. I replaced it. With an Apple MacBook.
The Apple MacBook has a file labelled 'Bounce' and if I highlight something I think might be offensive that has found its way through the very good filters my Internet Provider has set up, I can highlight it, bounce it, and it goes back to the sender with the message it can't locate me. And believe me, after a while the sender gets the message on what is acceptable.
Get a Mac, get a life, never eat another carrot. Bounce back.