Brian Viner

I know the papers have been on and on about political scandals and I know you all know about how we have been conned into getting rid of our Nanny's estate mentality and we have got rid of all the Nannies. They have all gone to the Nanny United Nations and we are all red bodied Kiwi blokes now, no free style organic bunches of flowers for us Scrummer's, and thanks very much for our tax rebates and we can all walk tall and be All Blacks and Whites and I know we have realised a bit too late that the tax credits we got rid of the Nannies for and the new ruling Keyspeakers said they couldn't give us much and we agreed the ruling bosses should get more than us because they are good at selling things to people overseas that that the Nannies didn't want to,  so when the new Keysnotes gave all the middle income taxpayers a little bit the weren't expecting, they were ever so pleased and said thanks and grovelled and will soon forget the second coming of the GSTs and the creeping bosses new prices for everything little by little by little by little.

Well, got that off my chest and on to yours - so what was that all about?

What it’s about is I am trying to do my best to save the Country and its not easy. We have had a Financial Crisis which wasn't New Zealand’s fault, never is, and it’s all over now and we are rich again, which is good news for older people who are called "Mom and Pop Investors" because they are dim and some have lost all their houses and money because they are greedy as well as dim and old, 'though that should be greedy, dim and old as now they are broke(n) and yesterday's news and anyway what-the-hell - nobody cares about them anymore.

I read about how the rest of the world is getting itself out of this financial mess and giving its people some of its own money back that has been taken from them in income taxes. To go out and buy things from shops so the shops will order more things from the factories and the factory workers will keep their jobs and everyone will be happy because after all, it is their own money they are getting back.

Our Nannies used to give us our money back in a different way because they used to pay the doctors not to charge us too much, and pay for schools and things, and not sell anything they didn't have to, and to save a little bit of our money. Put it away for a rainy old people day and call it the Cullen fund.

It seems this was no good. The new bosses are saying we must save ourselves to be old and when we have saved lots give our savings to New Zealand industries. It’s called "Investing in our Future". When we are old.

And we must stop buying houses. We must not keep buying houses from each other or buying second homes by the beach and calling them family baches; we must abandon this way of life as there is too much money tied up in our families and the Keyspeakers can't get their hands on it. We should invest in NZ companies and help them move to China.

So we are advised by money managers: don't buy houses, buy shares in our companies, give your money to us - we know the investment business inside out. Trust us - we have been to Universities and have degrees in Zoology like Rodney Hyde so we demand respect and you can be greedy like us, and when things go wrong just say its the market’s fault and think thank goodness we did not invest the big commission the companies we recommended to you gave us, or we might have lost everything and been broke.

These thoughts of mine about saving the country came about as in a effort to enable and the retail business to prosper last April Fool’s Day (April Fool’s day?) the new Government worked out that in the past year the cost of everyday living had gone up by around $4.30 a week and in light of that gave beneficiaries, or old age pensioners as we prefer to be called, $4.30 a week.

Thinking ‘with this additional income I could buy another house’ then I remembered just in time this would not help the country and it was my duty now the Nannies had gone and are not ninnying around any more taking care of us telling us Haka-folk how to run our lives.  I should invest in industry.

How do I do that, I thought? Who needs my $4.30 a week more than I do to make N.Z. great again like Great Britain. So what do Financial Consultants say, I asked myself? Do they have university degrees, in Keysian studies? If I go and see them they will show me their plaques - hope not - will they give me brochures from all the best Companies, especially the one that pays them the highest commission and if I give my money and borrow some more to give to them what will they do...? Well, build lots of houses they cannot sell and some for themselves in Trust on Waiheke Island and Remuera and France and... But I was told I must save my money and not buy houses 'cos that's no good for the country, why doesn't industry go to the banks and get money... because the Banks won’t lend money to N.Z. investments, they only lend money for mortgages on houses… but I mustn't buy houses I said...  Who makes all these rules? Can't we have the Nannies back?

No, you can't have them back and anyway if there was another election soon, it won’t matter because the Nannies will have to stand up for all the poor underprivileged Hakafolk. So the middle-wage earners won’t give a Nana for the Nannies 'cos they have their soon-to-be useless and soon-to-be forgotten tax credits which have now all been swallowed with  the extra taxes they pay and anyway, the Keystones have spent the Culinary rainy old ladies fund on petrol stations. I thought I was supposed to save and not spend my money and give it to NZ industry but the new bloke’s bosses have spent all the money the Nanny State saved up which was our pension scheme and given all the $$$ to buy Shell service stations which Shell didn't want. I believe they are going to let us buy shares in the new company so we think it belongs to us which it did anyway, because it was all our money to start with.

Thank goodness we don't need the Nannies any more. We are being well taken care of. Inside and out.